Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
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... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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