My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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