You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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