Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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