someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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