I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
