omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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