Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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