I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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