singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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