My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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