guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
