Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
