every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
