Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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