Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You can't just leave with hair like that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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