just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
