I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
