1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
