Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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