i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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