Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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