Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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