I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
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It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.