Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
