Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
