Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
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Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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