swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
