We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
