Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I looked at my own cervix.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Found the puke drawer
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I will pee on everything he values.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
