whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
two words: eviction party
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
