make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
