if i can run in heels then i can drive
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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