we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
