I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
