i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
