Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
