Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
