Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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