i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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