"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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