Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
