Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
