I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
