In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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