Do you still have your period?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
