did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
