Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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