Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.