wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?