My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
