Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
