Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
