Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
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every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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