What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
