Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I supernannyed him into submission
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
