soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize