Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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