I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
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In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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